rough night

Sometimes it is so tough parenting when you child doesn't communicate well. Yesterday was a rough day for Liam and me, and today I am feeling very down about it.

I met with his principal this week, and expressed concerns about Liam's learning environment. We don't know how he is doing in school; some days he comes home hyper and rowdy, other times completely in his own world. There is a sub in his class after the teacher up and left, and they are actively pursuing leads to find a permanent replacement. In the meantime I made my needs clear and instigated a communication notebook going back and forth from class to home.

I was frustrated to read that Liam is practicing upper and lower case letter, and counting/matching to 20. Now, the child is very smart. He has been able to identify letters, both cases, since he was 2 and a half, and he can count past 100. Just because he doesn't communicate well and is autistic does NOT mean he cannot be challenged academically. I wonder if he acts out because he is bored and not motivated to learn. So I wrote today in his notebook that yes Liam knows his letters (this is not preschool!) and is very ready to start reading, spelling, and doing math. I get so frustrated with the "wow he's smart" comments I get sometimes...like this should be a newsflash for a child with a unique mind who learns differently from "typical" kids.

His district believes in inclusion ultimately, which is why I was so excited to move and have him placed in a better environment. So far, though (possibly because there is not a permanent teacher) I have my doubts about Liam excelling to his potential and being comfortable enough to integrate with his peers. Then I have to ask myself: am I rushing him? am I asking too much too fast? There are no clear answers, and all I can do is trust my gut and keep making my requests known.

Liam resisted his fish oil supplement yesterday for the first time since he started receiving it again after a long break. He fought and fought me, clamped his jaw shut, spit it out so it hit my eye. All these memories from his babyhood (blood draws, feeding tube, holding him down, vomiting) came rushing back and it took my breath away. Part of me wants to wait until he's receptive again to start the supplement; a big part of me knows he NEEDS it for his brain development, and he has to just deal.

Then he bit Audrey on the cheek, for no apparent reason, so I had to get tough, yell at him, and even spanked him. Now I know that not all kids needs to be disciplined like that, and I only reserve it for special occasions such as physical violence when HE KNOWS what he's doing. I could tell by his face that he knew that was wrong, which is good to see that recognition, but Bren and I both felt that he needed to be punished.

He cried and cried and started spouting gibberish, completley away from the subject at hand. He kept talking about Alley, his hab worker, crying and getting mad, on the phone or something, over and over with his hands on his cheeks as big tears rolled down. I didn't want to comfort him right away after punishing him, but my resolve just vanished when I saw that reaction. I am actually going to call Alley right now to see if something happened - and now Brendan and I are questioning the wisdom of letting him be along with a hab worker, when he still can't communicate something wrong effectively.

So now I am doubting myself, and what the right course is. Do I trust the system and let him be independent with an adult, who is supposed to be working with him? Or do I take the harder course and either a) give up on Hab (I have yet to have a productive experience with it); b) set tighter guidelines for her, like requiring written feedback from each session; or c) only let him work with her in my sight. Which defeats the purpose, since where I am Audrey is, and she tends to take over.

Where is my opening of the heavens and ray of wisdom to light the path?

He went to bed upset still, I went to bed guilty and a little lost, and I plan on cuddling him when he gets home and promising that today will be a better day.