hitting the wall

Do you ever have a day when you think "this cannot possibly be my life?" I had a moment or two of these thoughts earlier in the week, but this afternoon makes me want to go in my room, shut the door, and tune everything out.

I know why I have put off getting passports for my kids until today, the last DROP DEAD day to do it. We leave for PR in one month and I am really pushing it, getting them done in time. We waltzed into Walgreens as soon as Liam got off the bus - thinking I'd be in and out. No stroller, cart, or snacks.

Trying to get my kids to 1) sit still and 2) look squarely at a camera while getting their pictures taken is not easy. Never has been, and i don't know why I thought this would be different. The lady had to try twice for all of them - with Liam being the toughest of all. A snapshot of the mayhem:

-Aedan ran down an aisle, shorts around his ankles;

-Audrey screamed at the boys to "hocus!" (her word for FOCUS);

-Three bags of chips and three Vitawaters were opened;

-The photo clerk started to sweat and stress

-Aedan almost ran out the exit

-Audrey pulled the tags off a doll before i could stop her (while I was trying to help Liam "hocus")

-Total bill: $45 (25 for the pics, $20 for the pigpen disaster of food/drink/toys left in our wake)

Now I hate feeling like an out of control, pushover mom. I try so hard to set boundaries and rules, but the fact of the matter is: Liam has autism, Audrey can be obnoxiously bossy, and Aedan doesn't listen. He acts more like he's turning 2 than turning 3 in a lot of ways, largely because I have allowed him to get away with it.

When I went back to get the pics after gymnastics, while my throat was seizing up from stress, the clerk - a new one - started talking about how she's a special needs child advocate and has a child with a rare disorder. Why in the H, I thought while nodding politely, would she tell me this?

Turns out she could tell, from developing Liam's photos, that he has autism. I heard this and I just wanted to bury my head in the bags of chips (after eating them all). It's one thing to deal with autism on a daily basis, the struggles and successes. It's another for it to be transparent on Liam's face when he's not having a good moment - to the point where a perfect stranger looking at his pic can tell.

I am on hCG, trying to teach a course I have never taught before, write a column, and manage all the loose ends of getting ready for our trip. My house: trashed; my purse: disorganized; my hunger: intense. All I can do is take a deep breath and know that all the things that make me ME, my successes and my strengths, also challenge me to recognize and overcome my weaknesses. I am laid back, fun and disorganized...of course my parenting is going to be similar.

If I can't find some humor in these out of control moments, I may as well just throw in the towel. Audrey just came over to me with her cute and earnest face (to her credit, at Walgreen's she did get it together after my threats of "we can't go to Auntie Devon's wedding if you don't sit still and take a nice picture!" sunk in) and asked "are you okay? mom are you happy?"

Of course I am, baby. Challenged and out of control at times, but ultimately happy through and through.